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The Tusk Gazette

Vol. I · No. 1 $TUSK Late city final

Breaking Filed from the balcony

Poland taken over by Tusk Token

He came ashore in a navy suit and a blue tie. The tusks did the talking.

A walrus statesman in a navy suit and blue tie waves from a palace balcony draped in a red-and-white banner, a crowd cheering below.
Tusk Token greets the crowd from the balcony. He did not take questions. He took the balcony.

The news broke the way all real news breaks now: one post, all caps, no further detail. “BREAKING: POLAND TAKEN OVER BY DONALD TUSK.” Attached was a single photograph of a man with a familiar sweep of blond hair, a navy suit, a blue tie and two long ivory tusks growing from his jaw.

Nobody could say where the tusks came from. Nobody could say where the hair came from either. The name, it turned out, was the whole plan: take one Donald, add one Tusk, and the rest of the country follows.

By the time the post went round, the walrus had already found the balcony. He waved. The crowd waved back. A red-and-white banner was produced from somewhere and tied to the railing, and that, by the standards of the age, made it official.

This paper is his. $TUSK is the ticker, the tusks are the logo, and every page from here on is printed in his honour.

Page two · Official business

Decree No. 1, signed in quill

The walrus statesman at an oak desk signs a long scroll with a quill, a globe and a herring on a silver plate beside him.
First day in office: a scroll, a quill and lunch.
  1. Art. I The tusks stay. Any portrait without them is to be returned to the painter.
  2. Art. II The tie is blue. It was always blue.
  3. Art. III Lunch is herring, served on silver, at the desk.
  4. Art. IV The balcony belongs to whoever waves from it first.
  5. Art. V The ticker is $TUSK, in capitals, like the headline.

Corrections

An earlier edition described Mr. Tusk as “a man with a moustache.” These are tusks. The Gazette regrets the error.